It will not have passed many people's attention that Jeremy Clarkson is in the news again for being a complete tit. This time, however, his baited comments were not directed at environmental groups, the labour party, Americans, or even the dreaded thought police, but the public sector and specifically public sector workers complaining about being made a scapegoat for the excesses of a bunch of people that ruined the world economy through greed, selfishness and generally being unpleasant shits. But, according to Mr. Clarkson, nurses, teachers, care workers, and street cleaners are the real troublemakers and should be shot for their lack of discretion, and for their vile demands to be treated fairly and with equanimity. More than that, their families should be encouraged to watch this spectacle and presumably bathe in the blood of their deceased relatives as a penitence and sacrifice to the gods of the free market economy. Of course, it was all a joke, however, as demonstrated by the balanced observation that traffic had thinned considerably on the day of the strike allowing Mr. Clarkson to speed around in his overpowered, stuffing sock of a car to his hearts content. So at least some good came of it. As jollies go, it was the equivalent of reeling off dead baby jokes to a woman that had recently miscarried.
So far so tactless, but the media shitstorm that has greeted Mr. Clarkson's latest proclamation of his own personal brand of common sense has brought this cretinous excuse for an organism an outrageous level of publicity, as well as a torrent of abuse. So much, in fact, that there are some, including even John Prescott who once appeared on Top Gear, that have been calling for his head. Also noting that his conveniently salaried £1million a year job at the BBC is a rather large amount of money to be paying to someone whose existence boils down to an ability to think an act like a spoilt 12 year old with the moral fibre of a nematode. (Incidentally you could hire 47 new nurses on that salary alone, which is probably enough of a reason to overthrow the current world order in itself.) But hey, it's cool, no worries, he was just being 'silly,' right Dave? Silly old Jeremy with his execution jokes. You should see him pull out the holocaust ones at Christmas. What a silly bugger he is.
When thinking about this £1 million figure, it continued to strike me as quite a lot of money. Surely you can't get paid a million pounds just for doing that? Logically it has to defy some law of physics and at any moment the earth will evaporate in a puff of embarrassment. He drives around in cars...for a living, and then tells people what it is like to drive a car. Then he drives another one to the South Pole. £1 million. It just didn't make sense to me and the more I tried to fathom it, the less it would fit into place. Then, suddenly, it dawned on me. Jeremy Clarkson must be doing something more, something important and worthy of such a ludicrously high salary. I started to think more deeply about the messages hidden beneath his buffoon like façade, and the deeper I dug the more clearly I could see it. Jeremy Clarkson is actually saving the planet.
Bear with me.
What service could a man possibly be rendering when his every utterance, his every waking thought, is an affront to decency and goodness? Between 1587 and 1983, the Catholic Church, when debating a potential canonisation or beatification, would appoint a devil's advocate to argue the case against sainthood even if everyone stood unanimously in favour. Up until recently, I thought that all that was left of this practice was a rather irritating expression and a substandard film about lawyers. It is only now that I know that the position of devil's advocate has now been occupied by none other than BBC's own Jeremy Clarkson. What's more, he's not simply arguing against the divine nature of a single individual and thus throwing their goodness into stark contrast, he's playing devil's advocate to the world in order to save us from ourselves. By sacrificing his life to the pursuit of inane stupidity, and short sighted, cruel, right wing politics, he is helping to direct and shape the lives of every single man, woman and child on this planet. From this day forward, all we need know is that we should always endeavour to perform the exact opposite of anything that Jeremy Clarkson says, does, thinks or feels, whilst thanking him for his incredible sacrifice to humanity. He is Krang to our TTMT, Joker to our Batman, and pollution to our Captain Planet. He defines and shapes us as a universal counterpoint, and for this I will always be eternally grateful.
You are a hero Jeremy Clarkson. Never forget it.
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